Arsenal’s New Signing A Predator On The Wing
680 comments May 8th, 2007
Speed, grace, dexterity, and an eye for the kill. It’s what we’ve all been crying out for.
Except it’s a bird.
Yes, that’s right. Permission to kill me for my misleading headline: granted, but Arsenal have indeed brought in a bird of prey as part of the new caretaking regime at the Emirates Stadium.
Amusingly enough, the Harris Hawk has exactly the same function that we crave from any other new signing – to prevent there being poo all over the pitch. The difference being, of couse, that his presence will not oust Aleksandr Hleb from the stadium, but instead the assorted pigeons, crows, and gulls that would otherwise make their homes in the Emirates’ lofty rafters:
“Just by flying around the ground, a bird of prey like Angel makes the whole stadium his territory. Other birds like pigeons recognise this, and steer clear of the stands. The result: clean seats. It’s as simple as that.”
Those are the words of hawk handler extraordinaire, Ron Bigwood (seriously). Bigwood continues:
“We get double-takes from people all the time. They usually want to take photos and ask lots of questions. I guess it is a bit like having someone famous on your arm.”
I know just what he means.
At this point, it gives me great pleasure to introduce our exclusive interview with our latest signing:
Gunnerblog: First of all, thank you very much for finding time to talk to us Angel, I know you must be very busy at the moment
Angel: It’s not a problem, I always have time to talk to my fans. The fans here are very good. Perhaps the best in the world.
Gunnerblog: Excellent. Did you always want to be the Arsenal Hawk?
Angel: As a young Hawk, sometimes we would watch the Arsenal matches on the television. They were a strong team. I would tell my father that I would one day become a great Hawk like the players on the television. Of course, we supported many teams. It was very different back then.
Gunnerblog: I see. How are you adjusting to life in London?
Angel: Life is very different here. I am not used to the foods or the culture. For example, when I have finished at the stadium, I am used to being able to go out to the shops. But here the shops close at 5pm. Yesterday I wished to buy a hat. I could not buy this hat.
Gunnerblog: That must have been difficult for you
Angel: Difficult yes, but I am a fighter. I will fight for my place. My family gets cold and it gets dark at 4pm here in the winter. Sometimes they ask to return to Spain. But I tell them Wenger has a plan.
Gunnerblog: I am glad to hear it. How did you get your distinctive name? Is it true that you were born in Islington Station?
Angel: This is a fabrication. My parents were great fans of the television programme “Buffy The Vampire Slayerâ€. They would teach me its messages, to be strong, to be honourable, and to always kill vampires on sight using a variety of karate kick moves. These days however, I do not get to perform these bicycle kicks and tricks as much as I would like. It is a hard life here.
Gunnerblog: Thank you for your time
Angel: You are most welcome.
Gunnerblog would like to take this opportunity to thanks Angel for his time, and to wish him all the best in his Arsenal career.
With thanks to FourFourTwo for breaking the news of Angel’s signing.
