Porto Preview: “Hulk” is just a nickname. An Incredible piece of PR.
330 comments February 17th, 2010
Hello again. I don’t know about you, but after a weekend of watching ITV commentators screaming that the FA Cup is still as good as it ever was, like a petshop owner desperately trying to shift a distinctly dead parrot, I’m pretty excited about the return of proper competition in the form of the Champions League.
A trip to Porto isn’t the most glamorous tie of the round, but should we come through unscathed it leaves us just six games from lifting European football’s biggest prize.
Traditionally, I don’t much enjoy watching first legs. They can be turgid affairs, with both sides eager not to concede an advantage to the opposition. Even Arsene, the man who famously goes in to every big game looking to win, won’t demand more than “a good result which keeps us in the tie”.
Perhaps the reason for his caution is connected to our injury situation. The past week or so has been costly, with Manuel Almunia, William Gallas, Alex Song, Andrey Arshavin and Eduardo all now unavailable.
One could argue that being without Almunia and Eduardo is no great handicap – the former has reportedly been suffering with twisted fingers, though it’s not principally his shot-stopping that has been at fault. A hand injury oughtn’t affect decision-making. Eduardo, meanwhile, looks like a man bereft of both fitness and confidence. His position in the pecking order is likely to come under serious threat if/when Marouane Chamakh arrives in the summer.
The absence of the other three players, however, will be keenly felt. Song and Arshavin will be replaced by the out-of-sorts Denilson and Walcott. At the back, Gallas’ injury seems likely to present another first-team opportunity to Sol Campbell. It is remarkable to think that having walked out on League Two Notts County a matter of months ago, he could well be about to take to the field at the Dragão in the latter stages of the Champions League.
He’ll be up against a Porto side who are solid rather than spectacular – and a striker called ‘Hulk’, who isn’t really either. Not since Julio ‘The Beast’ Baptista has a player’s reputation been built so squarely on a nickname. And let’s not forget, that’s all ‘Hulk’ is – a nickname. It’s not like his parents named him Hulk, thus initiating the process that ended with their little lad metamorphosing in to a monstrous striker as a result of nominative determinism. The advantage of being a Brazilian footballer is that you pretty much get to choose your own name. Born José Roberto Gama de Oliveira? Sod that, just call yourself ‘Bebeto’. Hulk’s real name is Givanildo Vieira de Souza. Not quite as catchy, is it?
All I’ll say is: hats off to his agent, or whoever is behind the scheme. Every time Porto face an English side, Hulk’s name and face is all over the press as the tabloids lose themselves in a superhero-based headline-writing frenzy. Eventually, some idiotic club – a City, say – will buy him. Because they think he has powers, acquired during the experimental detonation of a gamma bomb. He doesn’t – and two goals in twelve Portuguese league games is the proof.
Still, Arsene has been coerced into expressing some admiration. He will, of course, score now. I’m prepared to take the blame. After all, if he’s reading, I may have made him angry.
We wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.
